what to do, what to do.........

so i found out my ex-boyfriend, actually the only other guy i ever dated (yes I only dated two people in my life,) is getting married. i just became a member of friendster.com and i thought i would do a search to see who else from my "home town" was a member. that's when i stumbled across his profile. i didn't even realize who it right away, it was the caption under his profile pic that tipped me off, reminded me of him so to speak. you see he's lost a lot of weight and looks really good. so i decided to go check out his website, hadn't visited in almost a year. seems he got engaged towards the end of sept. i'm ecstatic for him, he's a great guy and i knew one day he'd find someone, and i'd love to send him and his fiance a wedding present but this is where it gets a little complicated.

i don't want it to seem like i'm coming back out of the woodwork when everything is starting to go right for him. I attempted reacquainting with him as friends close to a year and a half ago. I had to call his mother 'cause the old e-mail address i had for him didn't work anymore. she seemed very happy to hear from me and gave me the contact info that i needed. so we connected and set a date to have a phone conversation. it was a good, long phone conversation, but the whole thing seemed a little awkward. i don't know if it was because i was now married to the guy i left him for or because we hadn't spoken in so long or what, but the conversation seemed strained to me. Anyway, the story goes that any other future attempts that i made to contact him after this conversation went unheeded. i don't know if it was because he was busy or distracted, or because he just didn't want to talk to me.

so long story short, i don't want to seem like i'm being noisy, or interfering in his life, especially since i don't know how my good intentions will be received. the other thing that make me nervous is i'm not sure how his fiance would react to my contacting him. my intentions our honorable but that doesn't mean she'll see them as such. my husband and i had to deal with a situation where one of his ex's actually made an attempt to get him back while we were dating, and he seriously considered it. It hurt me deeply and to this day i have vowed to claw the girls eyes out if i ever meet here again.

I just don't want this thing to turn into a similar situation, i don't want it to, i'd never forgive myself if it did. We were very good friends before we dated, and had good, silly fun together and then it all kinda fell apart afterwards. He was the extra big brother that i really didn't need (i already had two real older brothers) and came to my rescue once even after the break up. i miss that part of us, the friend part and now that i'm back in the vicinity it would be nice to try to get at least close to what we had as friends. i just don't want to screw it up, and i don't think making an attempt at it while they're planning their wedding is such a good idea.

i'm so deeply conflicted.....

and the thing that is so ironic about this post is that i'm sitting here listening to some monty python tracks, something he got me hooked on so many years ago :)

...the return

long time no see huh? well lets see, after hurricane one and hurricane two, a month long trip traipsing across the country and cruising the high seas, dealing with a poorly timed apartment move, two weddings, re-adjusting to living near the 'rents again, and settling into my job transfer, i'm finally back! gotta try to not go no hiatus for such a long time in the future.

So here i am, hopefully to be seen making more frequent and free-flowing entries and allowing the serious and the silliness to ensue. and on that note, i've noticed that my goldfish cuddle together in the same corner of the fish bowl every night. Cuddle you ask? yes cuddle, when their were 3 of them i never noticed this, but now that 'blackie' has passed into the great beyond, i've noticed this phenomenon. although i pride myself on being fairly knowledgeable about goldfish, i am not, however, an expert. i wonder if they just like the companionship or if it's something more, and i can't tell the sex of my fish so i have not idea. anyway, stay tuned for a picture of the cuddling duo, i wouldn't let you'll miss this for the world.

and speaking of pets, have you ever noticed how people who don't have children talk about their pets like children. I overheard two of my bosses talking the other day about their pooches. "I can't just send them out to do their business, oh no, i have to play with them or they'll be pissy the rest of the evening," says the first boss. "well mine knows when i'm not in the mood to play that she's out of luck, I just give her the look and she knows not to mess with me," replies the other boss. and all the time i'm sitting in the corner and shaking my head and thinking "there is know way in hell i'm telling them about my cuddling fish, or how intelligent my algae eater is, that would just be weird."